You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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