i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
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