yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
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