my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
