I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
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