Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
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