I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
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