Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
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