I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
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