he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
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