Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
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I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
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I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
You ruined the universe
Randomize