my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
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Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
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