the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Randomize
