You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
