I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Randomize
