At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Randomize
