I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
