I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
