Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
