After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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