He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
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We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
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Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
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