I hope you get the herp and dife. The emd.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Randomize
