So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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