I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
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