I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
