Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
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