i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
