those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
I love you. Go after that dick
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
