Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Vodka?
Forever.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Randomize
