Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
Randomize
