The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
