yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
