Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
