her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
that is very illegal...i love you.
Randomize
