I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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