if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Randomize
