I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Randomize
