He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
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