i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
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