The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Randomize
