i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
Betty ford says i'm here all night
I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Randomize
