My first STD was from a foam party
i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
