The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Randomize
