I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
