Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Randomize
