Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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