I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
