We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Randomize
