Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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