I cannot find my penis.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize
