If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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