just tell him i said nine months
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
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