just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
