just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
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