Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
